Honestly,
Sooooo excited to really begin my life. I got a supply teaching job at a daycare. And lucky me, the supervisor remembered me from one of my program placements. I sat down anticipating the question period and two minutes later I got the job. She had all she needed from her memory and seeing me work in the classroom. On top of the awesome new job. There's a new position available that they would start to look for candidates. And since I couldn't hesitate at that opportunity, she will train me for the job. Five minutes later, I have a job promotion. And sometime this week i'll get a call for the orientation. Meet the kids, teachers, and get to know the centre. It's a small cute place, that pays well, and I find that even more doors will open for me now more then ever.
Also, I mentioned this before, but I could move out this time next year. Which means my mom and dad can downsize and I could be on my own like a real adult. Well, overall the freedom. The responsibilities I can handle. And I'm not worried about coming home to an empty condo or being lonely. As far as I'm concerned I can adjust to anything. And I'll find plenty of activities to do! For an example, start up my dance videos again. It's not easy to do when my brother lives at home and gets home from work at different times. I record all my videos in the basement where he resides. And I just can't have him walking in on me busting a move. Not that I'm not confident in my dance moves. It's just really awkward.
I treated myself to a carmel spice today at Starbucks. Things are looking up. And I plan on continuing my week long celebration of my GREAT SUCCESS all the way into this weekend.
Get yo dancing shoes on and raise yo glass !
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Stay Beautiful
Honestly,
You are beautiful.
If you get this message everyday, you'll get it( again) anyways. If you don't get enough then I hope this becomes your daily dose.
Every time you make a mistake and even when you keep making the same one over, and over and over again.
Every time you compare yourself to someone else, or can't look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.
Every time you go to bed crying and when you wake up with a drenched pillow case.
Every time you tell yourself "just this last time." And when you create masks, walls, and hide.
Every time you dance. And buy something nice for yourself.
Every time you get your heart broken and you break others hearts.
Every time you eat alone at lunch, and all the times you wish you were someone different.
Every moment you grace this world with your presence.
Every time you judged someone or made a joke. And all the paths that lead you to here.
I tell you what. What you see as defaults, weaknesses, and damaged goods. I see you for your full potential.
I know how hard it can be to get out of bed after a rough night. And it's the fact that you can put two feet on the floor, makes me proud of you. That today you decided to live. Even if you have to fight it.
Beauty is something you find in yourself. It's the ability to look at yourself as a whole, no matter who you are, what you did, what you do, or who you are. And just be. Just love yourself. When you can't people will love you, for you. It's up to you to find gorgeousness inside you, hold onto it, and let it shine.
Stay Beautiful.
You are beautiful.
If you get this message everyday, you'll get it( again) anyways. If you don't get enough then I hope this becomes your daily dose.
Every time you make a mistake and even when you keep making the same one over, and over and over again.
Every time you compare yourself to someone else, or can't look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.
Every time you go to bed crying and when you wake up with a drenched pillow case.
Every time you tell yourself "just this last time." And when you create masks, walls, and hide.
Every time you dance. And buy something nice for yourself.
Every time you get your heart broken and you break others hearts.
Every time you eat alone at lunch, and all the times you wish you were someone different.
Every moment you grace this world with your presence.
Every time you judged someone or made a joke. And all the paths that lead you to here.
I tell you what. What you see as defaults, weaknesses, and damaged goods. I see you for your full potential.
I know how hard it can be to get out of bed after a rough night. And it's the fact that you can put two feet on the floor, makes me proud of you. That today you decided to live. Even if you have to fight it.
Beauty is something you find in yourself. It's the ability to look at yourself as a whole, no matter who you are, what you did, what you do, or who you are. And just be. Just love yourself. When you can't people will love you, for you. It's up to you to find gorgeousness inside you, hold onto it, and let it shine.
Stay Beautiful.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
SHIZ THE RICE
Honestly,
From the start I have never been a long distance relationship type of girl. And the fact that I got involved with a chatting site really pulls that statement in different directions. Mainly because I met my first two relationships on this chatting site. And then I'd take that two hour drive or sometimes train ride to see them. For the right person I'd do just about anything. Wouldn't throw my hand on a grenade (ha ha ha) but you get it. To be clear, It wasn't like,"oh I like you let's be gf/bf right now." No, I took the time to meet them first, go on a few dates and then we changed our Facebook relationship status's. How cute.
The first relationship, he was and still is a chef at a restaurant in his town. We dated for five months and the fourth month I gave him my v card. I was 18. And it did hurt, a lot. And sex for the first time is not always the same for everyone. So don't think I'm telling you this to scare you, it's just the way it is. Anyways, I can tell you for a fact though, that your first love will hurt the most. You experience all or most of the firsts of everything with this person. You love truly, it's raw, new, exciting, and that it will last forever. Hey! for those who have been with their first love, married, kids, etc. That's awesome! I mean that deeply. But for the rest of us, it just doesn't work out that way.
When I was 18 I didn't pick up on things quite the same way as I do now. Firstly, he was six months out of a four year relationship, where he was convinced she was the one, until she cheated on him with one of his best friends. Not only did they have a dog they lived with each other. I didn't really care. he said he was seeing people in that time frame, so I was like, "okaaaaay." Now. This is a huge huge signal. And I thought his happiness was because he was with me. When in actuality he wasn't fully over her and I did help him. But when I cured him of his depression he no longer needed me anymore. He was ready to go out and really move on. So he sent me an email detailing this and breaking up with me. And he added that he will be ignoring me for awhile to avoid talking about it, or hurt words. Not that I listened. I sent him a few messages here and there. I sent him a couple emails. But what he doesn't know is I wrote him letters, every single day, until I was sure I was over him. ( I still do this with every guy I've ever been in a relationship with, sexual or not).
Two weeks ago his facebook status changed. And i deleted him off facebook. Believe me. I am completely over him. But when any ex changes their status, you get a little, ping in the heart.
My second relationship ended before it could really start. We were best friends, even while I was dating my first. And silly old me, blind, and in denial. Grabbed him five months of being single. I remember this so vividly because i was planning on seeing the chef for his birthday. To this day I haven't made it to my crushes/ boyfriends birthday. And I still don't understand why. Anyways, the comedian( my second bf) ended not too long after that. And to this day we make small chat. But it will never be like it was in the beginning. He's moving on and up in the world. And so am I. Oh he's still hilarious. And has manic chronic clinic depression and bi polar disorder. Which explains lots but now that he's medicated, he's happy. I think.
Now you see it was never the long distance that I disliked. And since then and every little thing in the middle. I've made a rough list of what my dream guy would be. Since I'm oh so giving and loving today I'll broadcast it for you. It may give you a chuckle cause it's so telling of my past relationships. Maybe it's just me? Ya...just me.
-Has a car and drivers license
- Clean criminal record ( speeding tickets don't count)
- Can make me laugh even if they aren't really funny. (i'm easily amused)
- Tall ( please and thank you).
- Nice smile.
- Honest.
- In a career field that he is happy in.
- Great taste in music ( or can sing).
- Loves to travel
- Can speak more then one language.
- Can cook ( even if it's ordering a pizza).
- Family man.
- Likes to have a good time ( even if i'm not around).
- doesn't smother me.
- wants kids
- works out or is active.
- can use what he was born with ;)
- intelligent. determined. confident.
- Lives close ( or determined to go to extraordinary measures to be with me).
Shit moms home for work. Gotta put the rice on. SHIT SHIT SHIT !
For the future
Honestly,
I should be writing my resume. I'm ending a chapter of being a nanny and entering into the full time five days a week chapter. In ontario they have the full day learning program for kindergarden class rooms. It's still a new program, which means it will be competitive for getting a position. Even for getting your name on the supply list, which there is a waiting list for as well. And right now getting any kind of teaching job is a long process. Trust me, I know. My parents are up my ass about it every single day. Which, they should be. I'm procrastinating hard core here. It's an exciting and scary process. This growing up thing.
When I think about my future all the doors are open. I am capable of so much and I have so much to offer. I could have went to teachers college. That way I could be a teacher anywhere. And I know it's not too late to go to teachers college. But at the time of making the decision, I was so wrapped up in writing and making my voice known. And the new program started up. That I thought I could work in daycare and write on the side. I still believe I could. So why waste more of my parents money? Or mine? And it's not like I'm trying to do the bare minimum. It's not about any salary or material positions. It's that I knew then what would make me happy and that hasn't changed. Working with children and writing just go hand in hand. They are the perfect partnership in crime.
At the same time it's scary. And I don't say this with the fear of rejection because I anticipate some doors to close. I'm just afraid to change. And here I was whining about my past boyfriends. I'm still getting over the taste of my own medicine. it's bitter. I guess this is a big step. And although I'm excited about moving out (eventually). There's responsibilities that come with it. Call me spoiled, but I'll always love my moms cooking. I'll miss all the luxuries of living under their roof. But not so much all the firm rules. ( as if my brother and I haven't gotten away with most of them)
Ya, you're right. Back to the future.
I should be writing my resume. I'm ending a chapter of being a nanny and entering into the full time five days a week chapter. In ontario they have the full day learning program for kindergarden class rooms. It's still a new program, which means it will be competitive for getting a position. Even for getting your name on the supply list, which there is a waiting list for as well. And right now getting any kind of teaching job is a long process. Trust me, I know. My parents are up my ass about it every single day. Which, they should be. I'm procrastinating hard core here. It's an exciting and scary process. This growing up thing.
When I think about my future all the doors are open. I am capable of so much and I have so much to offer. I could have went to teachers college. That way I could be a teacher anywhere. And I know it's not too late to go to teachers college. But at the time of making the decision, I was so wrapped up in writing and making my voice known. And the new program started up. That I thought I could work in daycare and write on the side. I still believe I could. So why waste more of my parents money? Or mine? And it's not like I'm trying to do the bare minimum. It's not about any salary or material positions. It's that I knew then what would make me happy and that hasn't changed. Working with children and writing just go hand in hand. They are the perfect partnership in crime.
At the same time it's scary. And I don't say this with the fear of rejection because I anticipate some doors to close. I'm just afraid to change. And here I was whining about my past boyfriends. I'm still getting over the taste of my own medicine. it's bitter. I guess this is a big step. And although I'm excited about moving out (eventually). There's responsibilities that come with it. Call me spoiled, but I'll always love my moms cooking. I'll miss all the luxuries of living under their roof. But not so much all the firm rules. ( as if my brother and I haven't gotten away with most of them)
Ya, you're right. Back to the future.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Jube Jubes
Honestly,
I have ter-ri-ble taste in men. My brother calls them the "fixer up-ers" because I like guys with issues. Now, for futures sake ( crossing my fingers and toes)I'm sure a tiny percentage of my audience would like me to point out that these knights and shinning aluminum made valiant attempts to changing. Duly noted. In addition, it is smart to include that my complex goes hand and in hand with being a people person (duh). No brainer there. I think I can win some sympathy votes with the notion that my heart was always and will always be in the right place. But since we are on the topic of my metaphorical heart.
I fall, quick, hard, and uncontrollably. I love full trusting, dangerous and unconditionally. Welllll. Ya.Ya that sounds right. Anyways, this obviously doesn't make matters better for me. It means I blind out the not so good and " work with" the rest. I'm an optimist, OK!? It means that at one point I felt like a different person. In one relationship I felt married, at 20. And I went "Whaaaaat the fuuuuuuck!" and then "What ,honestly, are you doing?"
I remember and won't forget a significant conversation I shared a recent employer. This was after I broke up with my now ex bf. She told me about her ex husband and all the heart breaking details, but ended it with a lesson. She's been with a new guy for about two years now. What's different from any other guy she has dated in the past (including her ex hubby), was that this guy does things for her not because he needs to, but because he wants to. And that if I found someone who could do that for me, I'd be happy just like her.
Even after this lesson do I learn? A little, yes. Doesn't mean I have done shaddy shaddy things. Cause I have. I had. Once. I snuck around with ex boyfriends cousin. At that time he had a girlfriend he didn't give two flying ducks about. Not that I'm justifying it. I guess I just stopped caring what I was doing to myself. I knew going into it what would happen. And I did it anyways. And oh how the mighty fall...and oh did I fall. This isn't a "Pick me. Love me. Choose me." moment. He choose family. And I respect that. He also picked his girlfriend at the time. I have recovered since then because it was my idea to be there for him friend or more then friends no matter what. I just don't go back on promises like that. However, I got to the point where he was telling me I deserve better, and he hated himself for indirectly and directly hurting me. But it always did. And we stopped talking. I deleted everyone affiliated when him off Facebook. And escaped.
Since then one would say we are friends. We don't bring up the past. And people always ask why I even remain in contact. But it's pretty simple if you ask me. When I shunned out friends of mine because of him I actually insulted a couple of them. And he will always be around. I won't shun anyone out because of him. I can be friendly, civil, and mature. Sure, sometimes it will hurt ( a little less every time)when he does stupid things, but I've moved on. It's his life. Not mine.
I think that experience really caused me to look at my love life, which is always up in the air. And swallow my own advice. Since then it has worked in my favor ;).
And for the record. It didn't matter what kind of person the ex boyfriends cousin's girlfriend was at the time. What I did was wrong, disrespectful, and she didn't deserve that. And if she ever reads this, I am truly sorry. Since we probably won't cross paths. Ever. Again.
So, I guess you could say I'm far more wiser when choosing who's hands gets my juicy, big, heart. I'll still love the same way and honestly my taste in men can often be like picking up the last red jube jube in the big plastic container. You just don't eat it dude. You keep that forever.
Now you're like...wait? How many red jube jubes do you have? LOTS. Friends and family make up the jist of it.
Learn from me. Thank me later.
I have ter-ri-ble taste in men. My brother calls them the "fixer up-ers" because I like guys with issues. Now, for futures sake ( crossing my fingers and toes)I'm sure a tiny percentage of my audience would like me to point out that these knights and shinning aluminum made valiant attempts to changing. Duly noted. In addition, it is smart to include that my complex goes hand and in hand with being a people person (duh). No brainer there. I think I can win some sympathy votes with the notion that my heart was always and will always be in the right place. But since we are on the topic of my metaphorical heart.
I fall, quick, hard, and uncontrollably. I love full trusting, dangerous and unconditionally. Welllll. Ya.Ya that sounds right. Anyways, this obviously doesn't make matters better for me. It means I blind out the not so good and " work with" the rest. I'm an optimist, OK!? It means that at one point I felt like a different person. In one relationship I felt married, at 20. And I went "Whaaaaat the fuuuuuuck!" and then "What ,honestly, are you doing?"
I remember and won't forget a significant conversation I shared a recent employer. This was after I broke up with my now ex bf. She told me about her ex husband and all the heart breaking details, but ended it with a lesson. She's been with a new guy for about two years now. What's different from any other guy she has dated in the past (including her ex hubby), was that this guy does things for her not because he needs to, but because he wants to. And that if I found someone who could do that for me, I'd be happy just like her.
Even after this lesson do I learn? A little, yes. Doesn't mean I have done shaddy shaddy things. Cause I have. I had. Once. I snuck around with ex boyfriends cousin. At that time he had a girlfriend he didn't give two flying ducks about. Not that I'm justifying it. I guess I just stopped caring what I was doing to myself. I knew going into it what would happen. And I did it anyways. And oh how the mighty fall...and oh did I fall. This isn't a "Pick me. Love me. Choose me." moment. He choose family. And I respect that. He also picked his girlfriend at the time. I have recovered since then because it was my idea to be there for him friend or more then friends no matter what. I just don't go back on promises like that. However, I got to the point where he was telling me I deserve better, and he hated himself for indirectly and directly hurting me. But it always did. And we stopped talking. I deleted everyone affiliated when him off Facebook. And escaped.
Since then one would say we are friends. We don't bring up the past. And people always ask why I even remain in contact. But it's pretty simple if you ask me. When I shunned out friends of mine because of him I actually insulted a couple of them. And he will always be around. I won't shun anyone out because of him. I can be friendly, civil, and mature. Sure, sometimes it will hurt ( a little less every time)when he does stupid things, but I've moved on. It's his life. Not mine.
I think that experience really caused me to look at my love life, which is always up in the air. And swallow my own advice. Since then it has worked in my favor ;).
And for the record. It didn't matter what kind of person the ex boyfriends cousin's girlfriend was at the time. What I did was wrong, disrespectful, and she didn't deserve that. And if she ever reads this, I am truly sorry. Since we probably won't cross paths. Ever. Again.
So, I guess you could say I'm far more wiser when choosing who's hands gets my juicy, big, heart. I'll still love the same way and honestly my taste in men can often be like picking up the last red jube jube in the big plastic container. You just don't eat it dude. You keep that forever.
Now you're like...wait? How many red jube jubes do you have? LOTS. Friends and family make up the jist of it.
Learn from me. Thank me later.
Friday, October 26, 2012
For my benefit.
There was a time, not too long ago, where I could start a sentence, love it, and end up with a novel. The moment when I realized I was out of awesome ideas, was also when I realized my approach was completely wrong.
An ex boyfriend of mine told me that when I'm in a room of people,I like to be the center of attention, talk to everyone, and be everywhere at the same time. And I have to admit that he was correct. So why not commit to a raw, unedited, honest blog and have people read it? While I, for the first time, accomplish letting people in without boundaries (caring).
Honestly,
I can really dance.
So, when I was little i'd get my make up done by my mom, hair gelled back, tights, leotard, and all. Ballet. Jazz. Tap. And my final victim of choice, Arrhythmic Gymnastics. You know, with the ball and ribbon. When I got older I moved onto sports. But dance will always be in my heart.
The ex boyfriend that I mentioned above, his theory is still standing. Picture a twenty something girl, up on a stage, working it, sweating, and not giving a flying fuck. You see, the advantages of being up above everyone is that they get to see you and you get to see them. And that girl. Is sooooo me. I scan for cute boys and cute boys scan me. Win-win, i'd say.
When I dance, there is like a force field around me, no one can take me on, no one can shove me down, and i'm on every single sober high there is. The moment the beat drops and your feet decide to follow it until they hurt. The moment when your body moves and your lips scream the words cause you can. Is ah-mazing. Music heals. Music moves you. Music just feels good. It's an expression and reflection of you. When you just get a song. And it gets you. That bond is imprinted like mother to daughter. The end.
Something, interesting happened. People noticed. People commented. Dance battled me(I didn't always win). Cheered me on. And I assumed that the booze blinded their vision...at first. So daring me, I decided to see what everyone was talking about.
I hit record.
Panting for air after giving it all I got, I sat in front of my computer and forced myself to watch what I did. And I liked what I did. What mattered is that I did it for myself. For my benefit.
I hit upload.
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