Jube Jubes

Honestly,

I have ter-ri-ble taste in men. My brother calls them the "fixer up-ers" because I like guys with issues. Now, for futures sake ( crossing my fingers and toes)I'm sure a tiny percentage of my audience would like me to point out that these knights and shinning aluminum made valiant attempts to changing. Duly noted. In addition, it is smart to include that my complex goes hand and in hand with being a people person (duh). No brainer there. I think I can win some sympathy votes with the notion that my heart was always and will always be in the right place. But since we are on the topic of my metaphorical heart.

I fall, quick, hard, and uncontrollably. I love full trusting, dangerous and unconditionally. Welllll. Ya.Ya that sounds right. Anyways, this obviously doesn't make matters better for me. It means I blind out the not so good and " work with" the rest. I'm an optimist, OK!? It means that at one point I felt like a different person. In one relationship I felt married, at 20. And I went "Whaaaaat the fuuuuuuck!" and then "What ,honestly, are you doing?" 

I remember and won't forget a significant conversation I shared a recent employer. This was after I broke up with my now ex bf. She told me about her ex husband and all the heart breaking details, but ended it with a lesson. She's been with a new guy for about two years now. What's different from any other guy she has dated in the past (including her ex hubby), was that this guy does things for her not because he needs to, but because he wants to. And that if I found someone who could do that for me, I'd be happy just like her. 

Even after this lesson do I learn? A little, yes. Doesn't mean I have done shaddy shaddy things. Cause I have. I had. Once. I snuck around with ex boyfriends cousin. At that time he had a girlfriend he didn't give two flying ducks about. Not that I'm justifying it. I guess I just stopped caring what I was doing to myself. I knew going into it what would happen. And I did it anyways. And oh how the mighty fall...and oh did I fall. This isn't a "Pick me. Love me. Choose me." moment. He choose family. And I respect that. He also picked his girlfriend at the time. I have recovered since then because it was my idea to be there for him friend or more then friends no matter what. I just don't go back on promises like that. However, I got to the point where he was telling me I deserve better, and he hated himself for indirectly and directly hurting me. But it always did. And we stopped talking. I deleted everyone affiliated when him off Facebook. And escaped. 

Since then one would say we are friends. We don't bring up the past. And people always ask why I even remain in contact. But it's pretty simple if you ask me. When I shunned out friends of mine because of him I actually insulted a couple of them. And he will always be around. I won't shun anyone out because of him. I can be friendly, civil, and mature. Sure, sometimes it will hurt ( a little less every time)when he does stupid things, but I've moved on. It's his life. Not mine. 

I think that experience really caused me to look at my love life, which is always up in the air. And swallow my own advice. Since then it has worked in my favor ;). 


And for the record. It didn't matter what kind of person the ex boyfriends cousin's girlfriend was at the time. What I did was wrong, disrespectful, and she didn't deserve that. And if she ever reads this, I am truly sorry. Since we probably won't cross paths. Ever. Again. 

So, I guess you could say I'm far more wiser when choosing who's hands gets my juicy, big, heart. I'll still love the same way and honestly my taste in men can often be like picking up the last red jube jube in the big plastic container. You just don't eat it dude. You keep that forever. 

Now you're like...wait? How many red jube jubes do you have? LOTS. Friends and family make up the jist of it. 


Learn from me. Thank me later.

For my benefit.

There was a time, not too long ago, where I could start a sentence, love it, and end up with a novel. The moment when I realized I was out of awesome ideas, was also when I realized my approach was completely wrong.

An ex boyfriend of mine told me that when I'm in a room of people,I like to be the center of attention, talk to everyone, and be everywhere at the same time. And I have to admit that he was correct. So why not commit to a raw, unedited, honest blog and have people read it? While I, for the first time, accomplish letting people in without boundaries (caring). 

Honestly, 

I can really dance.

So, when I was little i'd get my make up done by my mom, hair gelled back, tights, leotard, and all. Ballet. Jazz. Tap. And my final victim of choice, Arrhythmic Gymnastics. You know, with the ball and ribbon. When I got older I moved onto sports. But dance will always be in my heart.

The ex boyfriend that I mentioned above, his theory is still standing. Picture a twenty something girl, up on a stage, working it, sweating, and not giving a flying fuck. You see, the advantages of being up above everyone is that they get to see you and you get to see them. And that girl. Is sooooo me. I scan for cute boys and cute boys scan me. Win-win, i'd say. 

When I dance, there is like a force field around me, no one can take me on, no one can shove me down, and i'm on every single sober high there is. The moment the beat drops and your feet decide to follow it until they hurt. The moment when your body moves and your lips scream the words cause you can. Is ah-mazing. Music heals. Music moves you. Music just feels good. It's an expression and reflection of you. When you just get a song. And it gets you. That bond is imprinted like mother to daughter. The end. 

Something, interesting happened. People noticed. People commented. Dance battled me(I didn't always win). Cheered me on. And I assumed that the booze blinded their vision...at first. So daring me, I decided to see what everyone was talking about.

I hit record.

Panting for air after giving it all I got, I sat in front of my computer and forced myself to watch what I did. And I liked what I did. What mattered is that I did it for myself. For my benefit. 

I hit upload.