Thursday, February 28, 2013

If I were famous.

Honestly, 

At first I thought I'd write a nice acceptance speech for some fancy award I'd win in the future; because it could still happen. However, just now I want to go a different route. 

 I feel like if I were famous I'd make a splash like Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, One direction, Justin Bieber, and well.. all.. the greats, too. I really can't name a few there are really too many. And I'm not trying to compare or make myself sound better. Like, I'd do a better job, make better music, sing better, etc. The greats...you just can't compete. And that's just the way it is. 

 What I'm trying to say, is that I'd make an impact. I'd throw away all the stigmas of how a famous person should act. Let's be honest, like I always am on here. Famous people are normal people with high paying jobs and usually very good (talented/ educated) at their jobs. You know, they pay their taxes, vote, sing in the shower, watch dexter, talk to strangers via twitter, etc. 

 These people...are made out to be brands. Like, they are something to be sold out of a perfume bottle. Funny things is, they all have (on average) dipped into that market. So, maybe they are brands? Then again who doesn't like a good, high cost, smelling perfume?! RIGHT?! However, If i were famous...I wouldn't be made into a brand. Oh wait. Then maybe I won't sell out stadiums in 2.3 seconds. Maybe I won't get a record deal or a call to do a movie with _____ ( whoever the hot actor is as my supporting actor). I guess I won't get a platinum album. Or my own tour bus. Even a fancy car. Or A list boyfriend. And I guess TMZ won't follow me around. Shucks...that would mean no one will write about me. Fuck, I guess I won't be famous. 

Well fuck that. I'd come out just the way I am. Have 109090 hate me and 1 person/ fan. As long as one person really hears me. Puts up with my honesty. Listens to my rough cut, raw, music, and own voice/ band. Not saying I'd be hard to work with. I'll be happy with whatever I can get. I'll be all indie, do my own hair/make up, and make my parents my managers. Oh I'll keep my job to pay for things like shirts, equipment, free slushie day to my one fan, and write songs in my room. I'll write books and be a ghost writer for whoever needs a lyric or two. I'll be a mom and have a family. Sing at weddings and drink on the weekends. Go on shopping sprees. Plus, I already have a great boyfriend so that makes two fans. Then my family. Thats all I need. 

Hey, maybe I can really be a role model to young people? Keep this blog going, write my opinions, make people laugh, and entertain them with my oh so interesting life( ah-haaaaa). Tell them that they are beautiful. Maybe make a new e-mail and answer their personal questions and troubles ( the best I can)? I could take funny pictures, keep dancing, keep helping Brit and her death quest to meet Justin Bieber, and make a difference in the world. Wait a minute....


I'm already famous. In reality, I probably won't be "The Beatles "famous. But I can be "Shannon" famous. I could even walk around pretend that I'm being photographed by paparazi. But wait a minute? I get pictures taken with people ( friends) all the time? And well...I guess I don't have privacy really anymore. Thanks to social media. But hey! The reason you know about this blog...

So I guess. I'm famous. 
And...
so.
are.
you.


Go read a book or do a back flip. 
smile. you're worth it. 







Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I'm soo funnehhhhh.

Honestly, 

There are things...that I think about...when I'm at work. That would probably be frowned upon if I said them out loud. Mainly, because I'm around children and they wouldn't get my jokes. And At this point...you...my audience gets me. I don't have a filter. I'm actually kind of funny..right?! Right? Am I right or am I right?! And well...sometimes my jokes...aren't so funny. But hey! Imma keep my day job. And you get the privilege of laughing or just shaking your head. I ain't got no shame! No body got time for that ! So here it goes. 

This child was throwing his head back sipping on his juice this one day. And every two seconds the child would drop it or some other child would drop their sippy cups. And I almost said it out loud. "I remember my first beer!" But...I realized how inappropriate that would be. 

I was changing diapers today. Almost. Almost. Every child had diarrhea, or poop leaking out of their diaper. And I don't have a weak stomach. But I few times I thought, " what the hell are they feeding you?" and, "oh ya, you were here all day." but then, "SHIT SON YOU SMELLLLLLL!". I mean, in those situations you just gotta push forward. Oh man...I'm rotten today.hahaha. Ya, I laugh at my own jokes. To get through that. I just sung nursery songs to distract the children im changing from crying. And pretended I was on the beach somewhere. Strumming my guitar, cold beer, and bitchen sunglasses. Just jamming. Then reality set in. That was shitty. 

It's true when they say that kids come up with the funniest things to say. They either over heard it from their parents, classmates, friends, family, TV, or anywhere really. Kids soak up so much into their brains. I wouldn't be surprised if they were all really...baby genius aliens. Somehow. Anyways! What doesn't really compute all to well...is sarcasm. And I can be funny sarcastic. So this one child was talking, talking, talking, and going on and on about something. And I was really trying to listen and hear her out. I just got to a point...where...I was like...

"OH MY GOD!" with heavy enthusiasm. "That is soooooo funny!" I come out sarcastic. And crack as smile. The child raises an eyebrow and says:

"But ...I didn't say anything funny." I stared at her. She stared at me. "Miss...were you listening?" Damn she caught me. She lost me 5 minutes into her story. Something about..."anyways we found my doggy." She squeezes it under her arm. And then walks off. The other teacher was watching and giggles a little. I then think:

"She will do great things." Laughed remembering the line from "She's the Man." and the other kids looked at me like I'm crazy.

The time I tried to teach some kids "Gangam style" dance. Lost them ten minutes into it. One child started humping the air and I thought to myself. "Latinos." 

That's all I got for ya. I'm sure there will be future posts. But...for now. I got John Mayer in my ear, whispering me sweet nothings, and telling me to shut my eyes only for a moment. To sleep. CAUSE I'M FREEEE.......FREEEE FALLLLIIIINNN.  




Monday, February 18, 2013

The thing about showers

Honestly,

Showers are great.

The other night, I was singing in my shower, dancing a little, and acting a fool. When all of the sudden...I start to cry. 

I slowly bend down and sit in my tub. I think, "God damn you Katy Perry". And reflect on all the heavy stuff going on. 

It's been a painful month. The shower drowns out the crying, soaks up my tears, and the hot water calms me down as it trickles down my curled up body, rocking back and forth, and then down the drain. Symbolic, actually. 

However, the bad shit just doesn't want to move on. It latches onto me like a leach. And there's nothing I can do about it. Until my parents figure things out. Really, their problems aren't mine. But...they are.

My family is ripping a part. It's out of my control what happens in the future. Although just this once. I'd go back in life. And fix my parents. Make sure my mom fought my dad on all the shit she let go. Make sure my dad could control his drinking...or maybe not drink at all. And it'd be nice if my fairy god mother waved her wand at me and made me into a princess. I guess..."you can't always get what you want...but you get what you need." 

What I needed was that shower. The water was kinda like a hug. The music was like someone whispering in my ear, "its going to be ok." And I know it will be. But even the strong, optimistic, happy people, fall. I sat there for about 20 minutes. Turned off the water. grabbed my towel. And sat on the carpet leaning up against the tub. I stayed there until my hair was dry, hands were pruned, and tears were gone.

It seems though. The tears are never really gone. I never should have went to the movie "Safe Haven" alone. Sorry to spoil but one of the characters is a raging, angry, alcoholic and it hit very close to home. Made me doubt there was love like depicted in the movie. Made me scared. Made me think. And be inspired. 

But do you wanna know what made me stand up after sitting for two hours after my shower?

I kept pushing myself to stand up. I went against what I wanted, which was to curl up there, naked, wrapped up in a towel, and pretend I was someone/ somewhere else. I told myself it could be worse. That there is real true love. And that eventually my parents are going to be happy, together or not. I'll be happier. That I'm awesome, beautiful, funny, smart, outgoing, and crazy cool. That I can't fix or control my parents marriage. It's not my fault. And that...it's ok to have a good cry. 

I stood up. Took a deep breathe in and out. And found myself again. 

Cause showers...just....do that. Its fucking weird. 
But I love it ! 


Monday, February 11, 2013

Shwarma

Honestly,

I love my job. 

I go to work everyday, ready, happy, excited, and sometimes a little over tired. But that's besides the point. 

Ever since I could remember I've been drawn to little people, babies. I had a baby doll that I would take care of, make a bed for, and cry when my brother threw it on the ground. I thought it was real. And then friends of my parents would come over with children younger then me. I'd be fascinated with this little being. And i didn't understand that I was once, this small, this innocent, this smelly, or hungry...all....the...time. 


I grew up a little bit more. It was a gift like christmas when we got news that someone in our extended family was pregnant. That meant I had a little bundle of joy to play with in the near future. To observe. To sing to. To be a mommy's helper. I lived for it. I even, with out hesitation, volunteered to be the babysitter. I just assimilate into my natural role. Care giver. Leader. Babysitter. Fun cousin Shannon.

And now here I am after schooling. Part time day care teacher. And I love it. I don't think I'll ever truly get tired of my job. I don't think I'll ever not sit at the kids table for festivities, gatherings, holidays etc. And I thought that maybe it would be a good thing to graduate to the adult table. But...honestly! 

Kids ARE just SOOOO much more FUN!!!

And then they go to bed...and I get to be an adult. Double bonus. Hard work always gets a great reward. 

So even now loving my job. I still have future goals in place. "Climb the ladder" is what I refer this to. Eventually I'd like to be a teachers assistant. In ontario, we have the full day learning program for kindergarden. And since I am an Early Childhood Educator. I could apply to this job. This means all the trappings of what teachers would get. And of course working with kids. 

But it's not the big picture. What I really want. Is to be a mom. 
I know I will be. But obviously not right now...


And I want to be a mom. Mainly, because of all the Mom's in my life. They're all amazing. Role models. Great wives. And their kids are so worthy of all the unconditional love they receive. Not just from the mom's but from the dad's too, obviously. 

My mom is the most amazing mom there is. And ya..damn right! I'm biased! But, if it weren't for her. I wouldn't be here. Or I would...but in a different body. I'd someone different. And frankly I love who I am. SO my mom is a freaking saint. She'd drop anything and does...just to be there for me. She knows when I want to talk by just reading my emotions and body language. As if it's written all over me in sharpie. And it could just be. She just...loves me. Unconditionally. Taught me how to love myself so I could love others. How to do my laundry. How to cook. How to look on a date etc. The woman is a shwarma. She's got everything you want. Looks 45...but is turning 60 next year. Don't tell her I said that! She'd kill me. Not...lit- you get my point! 

She took the time in my early years to actually play house with me. And now we could talk for hours. We laugh and laugh and laugh. We are crazy, weird, and do things only we'd get or think was funny. We sometimes dance in the kitchen together...to no music at all. Hold each other when we're crying. She's my best friend. Mom first. But now that i'm older...my BFFL. And it's because of her. And everything she has done, does, and will do. That I want kids. Hopefully they will get to know her the way I have. And know and see what I see. A truly remarkable, strong, big hearted, caring, and role model I look up to. 

She still looks at me like I'm her baby girl. 

Maybe....maybe....that look...was all I need. To why I love my job. 

so how about that shwarma? And please....don't think about my mom when you bite into it. Ah man I need to stop right here...before you think of any "your momma" jokes. Or the thought- ENOUGH. Bad imagery. I had to make you laugh...and myself...as I blow my nose into a tissue. And wipe my tears from all that. 


Go tell your mom. step mom. adopted mom. Any type of mom figure. look up into the sky or feel her around you. And just...say I love you. 

Then she'll probably think you want something. But if you say it, truly, and feel it when you say it. Then make a mellow dramatic exit. She'll feel it too. Give you the baby girl/ boy look I'm talking about. Give you memories. Give you hope for the future. I just hope you have a mom like I do. 

I'm sure glad she's mine and all mine though. 









Thursday, February 7, 2013

The new candy: Optimism.

Honestly,

Whatever happens from this point on. I know these things to be true:

- I will push through and never give up on my dreams, ambitions, goals, and self.

- I will continue to fall hard, love deeply, dangerously, and unconditionally. 

- I will be myself no matter what. And I know I have things to work on, which will only better myself in the long run.

- I am a happy person. Shitty stuff sometimes happens. But it's life. Pick yourself up and all the pieces and walk on.

- I love my parents and my whole family. I just want my parents to be happy. And for whatever that means, together or not. I'll deal with it. Their issues aren't mine. It's not my fault. I don't need to fix their marriage. It is out of my control. It's going to be a long process of ups and downs. Nothing happens over night. But I know....everything will be ok. I believe that because at the end of the day. We're still a family. 

- My dreams are coming true. And I will continue to work on them and make them a reality. And of course....keep on dreaming. wildly. 

-I'll take risks. 

-Plans change. But my gut is never wrong. 

-Country music is growing on me. Must make plans for a road trip and or trip to a cottage. Even camping. 

- I love who I am, becoming, and how I got to where ever I was. 

- One day. I'll be a mom. 

- One day. I'll pass away..... But with knowing. My life was full of love, memories, ups and downs, amazing friends, some shitty boyfriends, my true love ( whoever that is), parents who brought me up damn well, family that are never a dull moment, and that completed my life goals and dreams. Maybe I won't be famous. But in my heart. Im my biggest fan. That's all that matters. 


Shine today. 
do something for yourself.
And something for someone else.
Love yourself. 
Love your body.
Love your family.
Love the one your with. full heart-ly.
Be happy.
Make mistakes.
Take risks. 
Have amazing sex.
Be the beautiful person I know you are. In and out. 
Be yourself.
And most importantly...
Laugh out loud. 
Dance on your bed. Dance anywhere ! 
Try not to have shame.
Grind with your crush to "ignition" by R.Kelly (remix).
That I know you know all the words too.
Actually whatever sexy song you can think of just to have the littlest of reason to dance/ touch your crush/ bf/ gf/ hubby/ wife. hey even your wedding song! Damn im good.
And then I want you to be honest. to yourself. to others. 
And when your done opening yourself up and letting yourself move on from tough times. I want you to forgive.
I want you to live.
Breathe.
Express yourself. 
Growing and changing goes hand in hand.
And being positive never hurt anyone. 
But on that note. make good decisions. For you. 
And do things on your own. go to the movies alone. go to dinner. enjoy yourself. 
be comfortable in your own skin and doing things you only thought once about.
Accept consequences. 
Accept others.
Accept yourself. 


But hey....who am i to tell you what to do? Right? Just go out there and do your thang ! 


"Be kind." -Ellen DeGeneres

Sunday, February 3, 2013

If I have to I will

Honestly,

This is tough to even write about. 

I looked up to you both, I saw love, a team, caring, trusting, passionate, hardworking, unselfish people. I didn't get to see all the years, but I know, 25 years of marriage must have been a journey. You were always there for each other, you were friends, and took care of each other. 

Somewhere down the line, something changed. And I noticed this the most last summer, dad. You would drink and drink and drink outside by the pool. And thats ok to have a few after a long day at work. The family recognizes and appreciates the money you earn to put food on the table, amongst other necessities. But then you over do it. And you embarrass the family. Bringing up issues we've talked about previously, or making comments, or saying inappropriate things to my friends. 

I let the first few times go because I didn't see a pattern until now. Winter hits, you don't drink as much. But you get the winter blues. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to go out and see your friends. You just wanna eat dinner, lay on the couch, watch tv, and fall asleep. Which, again. I understand work is stressful. But it makes us worry. And then you stop taking your depressant pills. And then you go to Mexico to destress and ending up making it more stressful for mom. You over did it again, dad. 

Mom is wearing down faster then erosion. Mom probably shouldn't tell me what goes on between you two. But we've built are relationship from the start with communication, trust, and a shared common trait. We do things for others before ourselves. And often we feel like we're number 2 instead of number one. That we give and give and give and only get a little bit back. It hurts. And I know it seems selfish for mom to want to do things for herself. And I know you're trying to keep it together, dad. That nothing's going on, that there's no tension in the house, or mom didn't tell you "Maybe i dont wanna be with you anymore." And i bet that hurt like hell. It hurt me too. 

Dad, I know you feel like everyone is against you. But we support you. Mike is just as blind as you are to what's going on under our roof. That mom won't leave you. However, I've been watching this build and build and build to a point where I've seen you both change. And not side by side, but separately.  

Mom, please don't give up. Talk to dad. I know he gets defensive and he's sensitive. But that's a trait we share. And I think counseling is a great idea, but for you both. This is toxic to me. I can't be the shrink anymore. This whole week i've done nothing but cry and cry and cry. Wondering if one day i'll have to choose what house I want to leave in, what christmas i want to go to first etc. 

Dad, I'm not choosing a side. I love you equally as much as mom. But this madness has got to stop. Don't give up on mom. Don't give up on us. I know you're trying. But a orange juicer isn't the answer. A new car. Isn't the answer. Choose mom over work. Stay with the one you love all these years. Choose mike and I. 
It's going to be rough for a bit longer, but talking to a professional and mom will help. I bet you both will come out of this stronger then ever. But you got to try. And if you're not goin to do it for anyone. Do it for yourself. 

My optimism that this will all work out is wearing thin.

I love you both. And I hope it doesnt get to the point where I have to write you something like this. So you understand how deeply this affects me. Just because Im 21 and not 2. Doesn't mean this doesnt scare me. It's starting to affect my outlook on marriage and i cant concentrate at work. I need this to work out. 
Cause no one wants to have nothing and be alone all their life. 

Both of you.
Grow up.
I love you.
Im thankful for every single thing you've ever done for me.
But this mess.
Isn't a sweep under the carpet. 
I'm not your emotional punching bag after work. 
Go seek help. 

Be my parents.