Honestly,
I sit
here, on my bed, and I contemplate just about everything. However, there’s only one thing that I want to address. Bully.
I
bullied myself. I was in high school, it was before I hit a meltdown and the
beginning of a transformation.
I’m a
people pleaser/ person, caregiver, giver, lover, fighter, etc. I’m that girl,
in that friend group, that would break up a fight in a gas station. I’m that
girl, in that friend group, that gets along, generally with everyone, I’m
outgoing, life of the party, positive, listener, advise giver, I’m open, blunt
at times, often has no shame, always says something embarrassing, no filter,
and no I don’t pooh rainbows (if I did, puppies would be at the end of the
rainbow and money to invest into college for my kids (when I have them)). You’d
never know these things about me, but since I told you, it begs the question to
as why I bullied myself in high school?
I tried
so so so... hard. I tried soooo hard for people to like me. For people to stay. For
people to love me. And it wasn’t to love me for who I am. It was the front I
was putting up. What I didn’t know is that people liked me for all the things I
didn’t or wanted to changed or wished I was different. I was so blind to see
that I’m amazing the way I am. The only person I wasn’t convincing was myself.
I make
mistakes, I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I make bad decisions all
the time. And I wasn’t a nice person to myself. So.. ya I bullied myself. I spent
a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why i said this, or did this,
or should of did this when I had the chance. Why I didn’t stand up for myself
if someone teased me. Why didn’t I stand up for myself until just last year?
Why did it take me so long to figure it out?
And
then more questions? How could someone bully someone else? Is it because they
were bullied? Is it because there isn’t enough being done? Not implying that no
one is doing anything because a movement is happening.
I’m just thinking
out-loud. I’m thinking, that if I continued to bully myself…if I would have
bullied others? I mean, I did outcast myself for a couple years. I’m not sure if
that affected my so called friends, cause I was mad at the world. Really they’ve
been here the whole time, and still today. I then think, what if I turned into
a mean person to deal with my insecurities? What if I turned to drugs? Got
pregnant? Drank orange juice and vodka in my water bottle at school and ran
away. Or tried to run away? What if I became a bully.
I know
that my parent’s wouldn’t have any of that behavior. I’d probably be forced to
see a shrink. And I know that the parents of bully’s must think I just judged
them for their parenting skills. Maybe they don't even know their kid engages in bullying activities at school. I don’t think anyone is to blame for why
someone becomes a bully, why someone bullies others, or why it happens all
together. Maybe it’s to deal with something going on in a person? And there is
so many ways to deal with conflict. It’s hard not to get stuck in habits or
patterns or find the "easy" path. It’s easy to get stuck and lost if you don’t
keep fighting that thing inside of you that isn’t ok. It’s ok, not to be ok.
Crying is therapeutic. I did a lot of it. And don't even try to pull a fast one on me. I'm not sexist. Guys cry too. I wrote out everything in a journal. That was my go to.
I
wonder if I didn’t have a support system like I do, where I’d be? And then I
think about the kids who don’t for whatever reason. I wonder, how society became
so passive aggressive and apathetic? You know what? Bullies are victims to.
Victims are victims. Teachers are victims. School boards are victims. I’m a
victim. The list goes on for a school year. We all can point fingers and say who is to blame. We can point to
society. We can blame people for our problems. Or instead we can find new ways
to help everyone. At the end of the day, WHAT or WHO, or anything is the cause of this? And i'm talking about digging under the surface here. Not just the family of the victim of bullying, but the family
of the bully. Everyone is equal right? Everyone deserves love, kindness,
respect, support, friendship, and hope.
Hope
that one day, there will be solution. That there will be no kids taking their
lives. That there will be less violence. I know it’s such a “hypie “ thing to say or to believe. We’re so
used to taking sides we forget we’re a community. We forget what it really
means to be a friend.
Someone who is there for you, when you are
wrong, and when you are right. Someone who see’s you for who you are and loves
you inside and out. Someone who would call you out on all your issues. Listen.
Give advise and support. Treat you like family. Fight and make up. Disappoint
you, and tell you “I hope the door hits your butt on the way out! It will snap
you back into reality”…or something sweet like that.
I don’t
know when it became "ok " or socially acceptable to call other people horrible names, and do horrible
things to each other. By all means stand up for yourself and be heard. But why
you gotta be so mean? Taylor Swift has it all right. Why would you be friends
with someone, or stay with someone, or hang around people who don’t give two
shits about you? Who treat you like shit? Walk all over you? Use you? Are they
really what a friend is? Do they accept you. If not, you don’t need them.
I
didn’t need that person I was. What I needed was a vacation. Thank you summer,
right? Am I right? Suddenly it clicked that I wasn’t a good friend to myself. I gave myself a huge hug, did a lot of healing, got a lot of love, and let go of all that shit that thought it could bring me down and keep me there. When it lost, i won. Some where between braces, first love, heartbreak, and life…I changed. I became
who I am today. I accept it and love it and will continue to be a better me.
I hope you can do the same for yourself.
I just
hope that we don’t have to see anymore sadness.
I hope
bullies find help.
I hope every type of victim of all kinds bullying find healing.
I hope
I can offer enough love to feed children who aren’t.
It’s a
sad world out there. I feel like there’s always shadows.
But
there’s just as much light as there is shadows, and because of that...
I know
tomorrow’s a better day.
I know
I’m loved.
I know
I’m strong and beautiful.
And a
little bit crazy and weird.
I
accept.
I
accept the world and their flaws.
I will
not accept a society that continues to hurt themselves.
That
will change.
I
believe it.
No comments:
Post a Comment