Wednesday, July 10, 2013

demons


Honestly,

I sit here, on my bed, and I contemplate just about everything. However, there’s only one thing that I want to address. Bully.

I bullied myself. I was in high school, it was before I hit a meltdown and the beginning of a transformation.

I’m a people pleaser/ person, caregiver, giver, lover, fighter, etc. I’m that girl, in that friend group, that would break up a fight in a gas station. I’m that girl, in that friend group, that gets along, generally with everyone, I’m outgoing, life of the party, positive, listener, advise giver, I’m open, blunt at times, often has no shame, always says something embarrassing, no filter, and no I don’t pooh rainbows (if I did, puppies would be at the end of the rainbow and money to invest into college for my kids (when I have them)). You’d never know these things about me, but since I told you, it begs the question to as why I bullied myself in high school? 

I tried so so so... hard. I tried soooo hard for people to like me. For people to stay. For people to love me. And it wasn’t to love me for who I am. It was the front I was putting up. What I didn’t know is that people liked me for all the things I didn’t or wanted to changed or wished I was different. I was so blind to see that I’m amazing the way I am. The only person I wasn’t convincing was myself.

I make mistakes, I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing, I make bad decisions all the time. And I wasn’t a nice person to myself. So.. ya I bullied myself. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, wondering why i said this, or did this, or should of did this when I had the chance. Why I didn’t stand up for myself if someone teased me. Why didn’t I stand up for myself until just last year? Why did it take me so long to figure it out?

And then more questions? How could someone bully someone else? Is it because they were bullied? Is it because there isn’t enough being done? Not implying that no one is doing anything because a movement is happening.

I’m just thinking out-loud. I’m thinking, that if I continued to bully myself…if I would have bullied others? I mean, I did outcast myself for a couple years. I’m not sure if that affected my so called friends, cause I was mad at the world. Really they’ve been here the whole time, and still today. I then think, what if I turned into a mean person to deal with my insecurities? What if I turned to drugs? Got pregnant? Drank orange juice and vodka in my water bottle at school and ran away. Or tried to run away? What if I became a bully.

I know that my parent’s wouldn’t have any of that behavior. I’d probably be forced to see a shrink. And I know that the parents of bully’s must think I just judged them for their parenting skills. Maybe they don't even know their kid engages in bullying activities at school. I don’t think anyone is to blame for why someone becomes a bully, why someone bullies others, or why it happens all together. Maybe it’s to deal with something going on in a person? And there is so many ways to deal with conflict. It’s hard not to get stuck in habits or patterns or find the "easy" path. It’s easy to get stuck and lost if you don’t keep fighting that thing inside of you that isn’t ok. It’s ok, not to be ok. 

Crying is therapeutic. I did a lot of it. And don't even try to pull a fast one on me. I'm not sexist. Guys cry too. I wrote out everything in a journal. That was my go to. 

I wonder if I didn’t have a support system like I do, where I’d be? And then I think about the kids who don’t for whatever reason. I wonder, how society became so passive aggressive and apathetic? You know what? Bullies are victims to. Victims are victims. Teachers are victims. School boards are victims. I’m a victim. The list goes on for a school year. We all can point fingers and say who is  to blame. We can point to society. We can blame people for our problems. Or instead we can find new ways to help everyone. At the end of the day, WHAT or WHO, or anything is the cause of this? And i'm talking about digging under the surface here. Not just the family of the victim of bullying, but the family of the bully. Everyone is equal right? Everyone deserves love, kindness, respect, support, friendship, and hope.

Hope that one day, there will be solution. That there will be no kids taking their lives. That there will be less violence. I know it’s such a  “hypie “ thing to say or to believe. We’re so used to taking sides we forget we’re a community. We forget what it really means to be a friend.

 Someone who is there for you, when you are wrong, and when you are right. Someone who see’s you for who you are and loves you inside and out. Someone who would call you out on all your issues. Listen. Give advise and support. Treat you like family. Fight and make up. Disappoint you, and tell you “I hope the door hits your butt on the way out! It will snap you back into reality”…or something sweet like that.

I don’t know when it became "ok " or socially acceptable to call other people horrible names, and do horrible things to each other. By all means stand up for yourself and be heard. But why you gotta be so mean? Taylor Swift has it all right. Why would you be friends with someone, or stay with someone, or hang around people who don’t give two shits about you? Who treat you like shit? Walk all over you? Use you? Are they really what a friend is? Do they accept you. If not, you don’t need them.

I didn’t need that person I was. What I needed was a vacation. Thank you summer, right? Am I right? Suddenly it clicked that I wasn’t a good friend to myself. I gave myself a huge hug, did a lot of healing, got a lot of love, and let go of all that shit that thought it could bring me down and keep me there. When it lost, i won. Some where between braces, first love, heartbreak, and life…I changed. I became who I am today. I accept it and love it and will continue to be a better me.

I hope you can do the same for yourself.


I just hope that we don’t have to see anymore sadness.
I hope bullies find help.
I hope every type of victim of all kinds bullying find healing.
I hope I can offer enough love to feed children who aren’t.
It’s a sad world out there. I feel like there’s always shadows.
But there’s just as much light as there is shadows, and because of that...
I know tomorrow’s a better day.
I know I’m loved.
I know I’m strong and beautiful.
And a little bit crazy and weird.
I accept.
I accept the world and their flaws.
I will not accept a society that continues to hurt themselves.
That will change.
I believe it. 

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