Tea

Honestly, 

I thought up, wrote out, a nice outline to a possible novel the other day. I'm loosing sleep over it. And I want to start it, but I'm afraid the life I create inside it will intertwine too much with my real life now. 

The characters are already adaptions from real people in my life. And I've been down this road before. I'd write and write and write...get to 600+ pages and hate the ending. Probably because I wasn't sure if thats how I'd want my life to end. It really shouldn't be about my life. They should run parallel, not connected and twisty like a braided rope. 

This blog right here...this confessing, ranting, and secret spilling-ish- is it's purpose. The idea was to separate two worlds so I could write more freely-novel style. 

I'm just scared and I shouldn't be. This is a challenge. I should be running right for it. I should just accept that the ending I create won't ever be the ending I get. Life doesn't work like that. Like a movie. With a possible happy ending. 

However, my style of writing is just too tempting not to keep writing the same way. It's like method acting. Except I still haven't figured out the separation of two worlds. Oh well. Don't know why I'm complaining so much. Fucking suck it up and just...do it. Go with the flow like you do always. So what one of the characters is a guy your seeing. It's probably going to end anyways. So write it like it won't. Even though you tell yourself everyday it will end. Just suck it up ! Suck it up and finish your green tea. 

Damn this is amazing tea. 

Boobs and I

Honestly,

I know I have nice, big, boobs. Okay? It's not like it was a surprise when I hit puberty. I mean my family was cause all of the sudden I went from surfer board to luscious mountains. But really. Guys. I don't answer to the following nicknames:

- Big tits

- Titties

- big-nips

- squishy

And whatever else your creative mind can all them. My name is Shannon. That's the name I was given at birth. That's the name I expect to be called. I mean ya, it's all fun and games at parties. But the joke gets old. I'm more then the body I was born with. And I'll go along with all your jokes, laugh with you, laugh at myself even. But it gets...very old. very fast. And I deserve a little more respect. So stare, drool, point, grin, at them all you want. My face is just north of them. Where my eyes are and they expect to meet with yours. Cause that's how you say hi to someone. That's how you leave a lasting impression. 

I know it's expecting lots. I know they are tempting. And hey! I love em just as much as you do. But just do me a favor...it's all I ask. Look me in the eyes. check me out all you want. shake my hand. And if you can't help yourself but look and make a comment. Then go for it. But we wont be conversing for long much after that. So just...ask me what my name is.

Cause it's Shannon. 

sincerely,

sensitive tits. 

Lady.

Honestly, 

I learned to play the acoustic guitar for you. 

At first, I thought I was in love with you. It was probably the most real relationship I've had with a guy. You taught me everything I know now because you are so honest, and it's exactly what I needed. But I was in love with the relationship. I thought it was forever love, but it just turned into a different love. And that's ok. You were right to end the ties when you did. 

It hurt like a mother fucker and getting over you wasn't easy. But that's life. And I did get over you. Just not my guitar.

I named her "Lady" because I used to call yours "Tramp". Get it. Lady and the Tramp? Anyways, after we went seperate ways, even though today we still remain friends, I kept playing my guitar. And then I stopped because of my last ex and that relationship consuming me. To then, pick my guitar up again. And played for myself. 

I got that feeling you get, when you ride your first bike without falling or getting scared. Wind in your hair, grinning ear to ear, pedaling as fast as your heart beat is pounding to be free, and that, freedom, and innocence. I learned my first song with some help. And sure practice makes perfect. Fingers hurt less when I press hard on the strings. And I play a little better day by day.

But if I didn't want to learn how to play guitar...

If I didn't think I loved you forever. 

If I didn't meet you.

if I didn't give you my number in your garage that one summer night.

If I didn't kiss you.

If I didn't know you at all.

I'd be a different person then I am today. And I like who I am. I always have. But I don't think the lady I am now would like the girl I was before you. She wasn't confident, open, or a risk taker at all. Totally different from who I am now.

What I'm saying is, Thank you. For helping me mold myself into the person I am today. For also getting the girl who had her own head on her shoulders back. For being a friend. For being more then a friend at times. For being...you. For being a dick sometimes and indirectly but directly teaching me about guys, relationships, and everything in between. I respect you. And look up to you. I trust you. And I wouldn't want whatever we have...any other way. 

Lady says hi. 

sittin in bed

Honestly,

sitting in bed all day isn't as depressing as it sounds. 

Well, I'm in bed for a reason. I'm nursing a cold. But it's the fact that I don't mind being at home alone all day. 

The house is quiet except for Mumford and Sons playing through itunes on my computer.

My dog, Baxter, is curled up at the end of my bed, on my feet, keeping them warm. 

My room is my lair. Posters on the walls, doors, and pictures from the past. It's nice in here, not too hot, not too cold. But cold enough to want to snuggle my pillow under my blankets and not want to leave. I have water and kleenex placed strategically beside me, just in case. And it's cozy in here. Only my reading lamp is on. It's not too dark and not too bright in here. 

I used to think that being alone was a negative connotation. And it still has one. But today I look at it in a different light. 

Ever since I started going to the movies alone, on some occasions, or staying in on a saturday night and dancing in my room. Or practicing my guitar skills, perched up top my bed. I started to think that being alone isn't so bad. 

We think being alone as feeling empty or with no company. That we need others to make/ keep us happy. Or have that void to fill or that angst to find happiness. I mean everyone feels this way. I used to feel this way. I used to be dependent on other people for happiness. 

But I look around my lonely room, and find it completely full. Memories, dreams, hopes, desires, warmth, adventure, happiness, success, and even my mom whom joins me for a heart to heart or even just a snuggle. And all I can feel is a past, present, and future. I feel complete. 

I'm single. And I used to hate saying that. I thought in high school that I wasn't pretty enough or guys wouldn't like me the way they stared at the other girls. I hated walking around the halls alone like a weirdo. But i realized i'm not the only single person on this earth. That i'm beautiful. That those girls aren't me and comparing myself to them only brought me down. I started to love being free and walking around being the weirdo I am. I don't think being a weirdo is bad at all. Cause normal is boring. 

So being alone is also an attitude. A good attitude. A positive outlook on life. One i didnt have in high school. But from experiences that lead me to here. In my bed. Mumford and sons. Sick. alone. loved. happy. Is all I could ask for. 

So if I have to be alone...for a long time...or a short time. It doesn't matter cause I'm happy either way. 

Let her go

Honestly,

Didn't see this coming at all. And I didn't want to hurt you or break your heart either. Which makes this disgustingly hard.

It was the truth when I expressed how I felt all that time ago. It was the truth when I said you were the best thing to happen to me. It was the truth every time I told you I missed you and couldn't wait to see you again. 

However.

Now it's time to let me go. Somewhere down the line I saw controlling aspects of you that were blurry but became clear. How you would make me feel guilty and tell me things that I don't think were the whole truth. That you were obsessive and freaked out over little things that became a problem when they shouldn't have. It only proved how insecure and emotionally unstable you were. And I commend you for your efforts to work on that, but it doesn't just disappear over night.

To say that you care more about me then I care about you is probably the worst thing for you to have said. How far from the truth that was. If you knew me at all, you'd know how easily it takes me to open my heart, let people in, and care about them. 

And it's because I care about you that I had to let you go. 

And it's because I know you will find someone who truly is your equal that I know it isn't working between us.

And it's because I didn't want to hurt you more down the road and cause more pain that I ended it.

I truly believe you are an amazing person. I saw you for who you really were, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. You were my best friend. And I could always count on you for a shoulder to lean on and vice versa. 

But you will let me go.

I will be an image in your brain.

And even though you'll miss me like i'll miss you....we will move on. we will succeed and find balance in our lives. And we will learn from this. 

This is not what I ask, but what I accepted. 

Thank you.