Sunday, April 28, 2013

The lady I want to be

Honestly,

What kind of lady I want to be:

The one that you wake up to and smile cause you are just so god damn lucky it's not even funny.

The one that makes you coffee in the morning and packs you a lunch. Somedays, I'll take you out to lunch...my treat.

The one your buddys want to hang around not because I'm the girlfriend or the "wifey". Cause they think I'm cool, good head on my shoulders, funny, and make good snacks for Superbowl day or Stanely Cup game. And don't mind beer runs to the fridge. Or giving him his guy nights.

The one that you tell everything to even the most random-est of thoughts without judgement.

The one who plays my guitar like he's led zep or Luke Bryan, but we both know I'm the artistic one. Who let's me rap, mess up lyrics to his favourite songs, but recover with killer dance moves, and salsa in the kitchen at midnight.

The one who makes you breakfast in bed. Does things for you because I want to. Tries not to complain doing your laundry, but wears your old band t's to bed, and only to have them ripped off my body.

The one who isn't jealous of any one of your friends that are girls.

The one that fights with you over stupid things but can admit when I'm wrong. Say sorry and mean it. Make it up to you in all the cheezy and sexy ways possible. Who has " I love you" metephorically written on my face, and says it with meaning every time. Who trusts you with my heart. Who calls you my best friend when we tell our story.

The one who you are proud of. Support. Comfort. And buy me tampons when you are on your way back from work. Who you can't stop taking pictures and creating memories with in albums.

The one who laughs at your worst jokes and at your best. Seen you at your worst/ best/ highs/lows, and misses you from the other room. When you look at me I can see the world in your eyes. And how you know when I'm mad. You know just what to do to cheer me up when I'm sad.

The one who you want to make your wife. Create plans with for life. Have babies and want to change their diapers ( sometimes).

The one you look up to and don't want me to treat you like you are a child. Even though you can be a child.

The one you never saw coming but only dreamed I was out there. Now that you have me you don't think about what it would be like to loose me anymore. Cause you won't. Your fears don't hold you back but only push you forward.

The one you like to get drunk and have fun around. To be yourself and be comfortable around. Even when you do something embarassing, stupid, or drink too much. The one who'd know how to cure a hangover. The one you actually want to cuddle at night just for a little bit, and just right.

The one that makes you laugh when you want to cry. Who can tell when you are lieing and are stressed. Tells you "It's ok...the leafs got it next year." When maybe they won't. Who knows. I hope so! Who knows all your favourite teams and players by heart. Mine are Kessel, JVR, Ryan Miller, Lupul, Kadri, Bobby Orr, Sydney Crosby, Luongo, Price, and Martin Brodeur.

The one who you can take to the movies, talk openly and honest with, and discuss movie themes/plots/actors/actresses etc. Down to our favourite superheros and why. Marvel or DC? Both? Everyone in between? Who knows all your favourite movies and can resight the lines back to you. Who doesn't mind you watching porn in the other room, but teach me what you've learned. Who shares desert and makes you cupcakes or what have you; every year on your birthday. And remembers when you don't. Who won't get mad if you miss an anniversary. Who doesn't expect anything but your love. As long as you want to do things for me like I do for you. Who hurts when you hurt. Laughs and pees myself a little. But doesn't care. Who tells you how amazing you are. Who shows you respect and appreciates the little things you do for me. Or even big.

The one who you grow old with and still hold my hand. Who takes care of you when your sick, and when we both are at the same time.

The one who knows all your siblings like they were my own family. The one who sings in the shower and walks around naked cause she can. Shame doesn't exsist in our world.

The one who...has been me all along.
But who.are.you?
Guess I'll have to wait and find out.

Happy Monday :)

Shan

Window. from the outside looking in.

Honestly,

 A day/night in the life of me. Events that occurred last night. ( time frame is approximal)

2:00 P.M- Still trying to get over my cold that I caught from the day care I work at. So I slept in cause I'm 21 and it's viewed as acceptable behaviour for this age. Well. Maybe thats just me. In my defence the cold medicine really knocks me out. Nasonex is a saint FYI. And too weird waking up to no dog ( at babysitters) and no parents ( 25th anniversary trip for two weeks in SPAIN! YA LUCKY ! I KNOW RIGHT!?).

 2:15 P.M- Eat bagel I just made, toasted, cream cheese, coffee, and some yogurt. Take some multi vitamens ( D,C,B12, Omeaga with fish oils), and then Nasonex nose spray. ALWAYS UNCOMFORTABLE. But the deed needs to be done.

2:30 P.M- Go on T Zone Vibration System. You stand on this platform with handles to hold onto. Bend your knees. The platform giggles your body, especially at 21 speed, which is pretty jiggly. I feel like Beyonce and Shakira on it. My mom told me that 10 minutes on that is like a 45 minute work out. I'd post a video of all the shit I do on it in 10 minutes...but it would be too embarrassing. For me! Ya...no shame...but its just shameful. Dancing, singing even, loud music and me laughing at myself.

3:00 P.M- Start trying on white clothes I have for "all white" dance party at local watering hole. Joe Dogs.

Dance party in my room (and some minor lazy cleaning up) until 5 P.M then drive over to my friends appartment to pick up liquid encouragment AKA rum. Stay there for dinner and head back home around 6:45 P.M.

7:00 P.M- Drive to gas station to pick up 1L of coke. End up seeing the new mountain dew flavors, buy every one of them but the purple kind, and 7UP. The cashier is very friendly and tells me it's his last day. That he's opening up his own business. Paid. Wished him well. Got back into car.

7:15 P.M- hop into shower blasting "Party 101" playlist on speaker dock, which is genius and charges my phone. Every three hours it dies. Thanks Apple. Anyways, dance party in shower.

7:25 P.M- Getting hair done nails done everything did. Minus nails. No point in getting them done when I play guitar like a rock god. I wish.

8 P.M ish- Almost ready. last minute touch ups. Friend on her way to pick me up. Brother have people over to watch leaf game. We lost to the Habs...it's ok still in play offs. Haven't been since 2004. Since last relationship as of recent. I really got into hockey. He was a hockey expert. I had to be knowledgeable around his friends. Well, I wanted to. Hockeys a great sport. Wish I played when I was younger. OH WELL. WOW went on a tangent.

9:00 P.M- Had to turn back at end of street to get my teeth dentures. Ya....ANYWAYS!

9:15 P.M- We pick up other friend.

9:35 P.M- Made it to pre drink, watch end of the game * tear*, talk, laugh, drink, and then head to bar for 10:30 P.M.

10:30 P.M. - Made it to the bar on good timing thanks to awesome DD. No long line at doors, which there usually is. At Joe dogs they have two levels. First level, big bar, dining room, coat check, washrooms, and live rock band ( on saturday nights). Second level, basement, free cover ( usually 5 bucks), nice bars, lounge type area, with dance floor, dj, and glow in the dark lights. Maybe thats why it was an "all white" party. And my friends and I were the only one who followed the theme. Opps. We didn't care. Met up with friends we went to high school with. Did a shot. Went down stairs to party music around midnight.


12-2:00 A.M- Danced my ass off. I even took my wedges off and danced with my socks on. I had the whole party bumpin! My ladies were dancing around me, great music, and lots of laughs. I don't know why I always start dance battles. And they aren't like...serious dance battles....I'm usually cheering the other person on and shakin it. Then I get lost in the moment and don't drink anymore. At that point of no return its water time. We met these hilarous dudes who could really dance. Even better then me and I have no problem admitting that. Good call on the short shorts Shan. It was getting hot in there. Also, Joe dogs has an awesome patio. Fresh air was needed. One of my friends works at LA fitness (gym) and we ran into one of her customers. The lady raved about her and told her she should be manager. I agree. The lady has two kids, cycles, and doesn't look a day over 35. Anyways....

3:00- 4:00 A.M. - Go to Monforts to get shwarmas. Accompained by two gentelmen and their friends. Almost peed my pants they were so funny. Witnessed a fight between someone at our highschool and a random person that did nothing. I got the guy that got punched in the face ice. They went outside to fight. Then they both got kicked out and left. Really don't understand violence at all. My first Aid instincts and motherly human nature kicked in. Sat down at table after all that. Noticed a bruise on my hand from my watch sliding and hitting it. Used ice to calm it down. Walked all the way back to the bar. DD drove us to guys friends house. We wanted to party more but DD was not down. Guys went into the house. We sped off. Opps. Sorry guys !

5:00 A.M - Call friend on skype.

5:30 A.M- Hear birds chirping and sun starting to rise. Watch the sunrise. End call. Laugh remembering all the good times of the night and my black socks. I had to throw them out. Pass out like a baby with a bottle ( not really) and spooning my body pillow  (yes that happened).

There's something light and happy for you. Please don't drink and drive ! OR get in fights at a popular resteraunt. AIN'T NO BODY HAVE TIME FOR THAT !

Take care ! Stay Beauts !
P.S Sorry legs. Yes, I'm talking to my legs. An open, public, apology. I won't have to do leg day for a week after last night.

 -Shan

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Picture to Burn.

Honestly,

I've been grieving this relationship. And let's break this down...

1) Denial.

You make excuses for their behaviour, give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope that they realize what they have. When that doesn't happen because most of the time it doesn't. You start to realize that it is really over.

2) Anger.

This realization makes you angry enough to make stupid decisions ( sometimes), like get intoxicated to the point where you are crying on your best friends schoulder, or wake up worried/ don't remember what you did last night. Now, drinking booze numbs the anger and takes your mind off the obvious. That he/ she isn't right for you. Sure, the relationship could have been great. But for whatever reason it's not anymore. You are mad at the world. At yourself. You blame everyone first and then yourself. And after awhile you think...Hmm....what if I did this?

3) Bargaining

IF I broke up with him/ her? Would she/ he do this.....? love me back? Want to be with me more? Realize what they had was awesome?

OR

If I did....differently? If I changed? If I worked harder? If I appriciated him/her a little more? If I treated her/him better? If I wasn't so selfish? If I didn't want to control everything...could I get her/ him back?

And the answer to all these questions is no because.....it really is over. There are exceptions.
People break up and get back together all the time. And I will qoute an awesome movie. " You are not the exception. You are the RULE." from the movie and book "He's Just Not That Into You." What I'm saying is, if you are at the point in your relationship...where...you both want different things then you did in the beginning. It will most likely end. Relationships take time, are hard, and don't always last. High expectations will only disapoint you more then if you had little to begin with. People make mistakes, disapoint, and make bad decisions. It's a life fact. Once you accept this...and that it's okay to take a break from the relationship woahs and highs then you are ready to move on.

4) Depression

I find, from personal experience. That the "crying phase" could happen in anywhere between stages 1-3 (Denial, Anger, and Bargaining), or it can happen once you've tried to bargain but failed. Or really, you cry through all three stages until you've concluded that he/she doesn't deserve your tears. And these stages are different for guys. I find that once they break up with someone, they go straight to drinking. Once that's done, then it sets it. "Oh. Shit. I'm really really single. Fuck." Then they get miserable, depressed, and go through the stages. Hey, I could be wrong I don't have a degree in this. I'm speaking from personal observations and experience. Don't qoute me. I never said I'm an expert.
Anyways...

So you cry and cry and cry. Insert all the cliches. All the song you hear on the radio that cause a mini break down in your car, it's raining ( ALWAYS), and "If I were your man" by Bruno Mars comes on. You blast it to cover the sounds of you crying. You blast it when you are in the shower, sitting down, letting the water thrash down on your brain, as if metephorically washing away your thoughts of him/ her. You blast it when you are writing in your journal, which is very theraputic. And ! Crying holds such a negative stigma. It's ok to cry. You are allowed. It to is theraputic. I remember, back when being "emo" was seen as being "gay". And well. I'm a deep person. Not trying to be sexist. But girl's are emotional creatures. Guys get bullied for being deep and sensitive. But why bash them for being themeselves? Us criers... cry at movies, songs, happy, sad, confused etc. And I think it makes you a stronger person in my opinion. Being able to let it all out, let go of the past, live in the now, and allow yourself to move on. Don't sweat the small stuff. Big stuff take time. But it's OK. Take all the time you need. And then....you....finally.....can breath. And move on. Picking up the pieces of your big broken heart. Gluing them back together, tape, ducktape etc. whatever metephorical healing devices. I don't suggest the over consumation of booze. Honestly, we've all been there.

5) Acceptance.

Things aren't so sad anymore. Neither is your life. Things are starting to look up. You don't cry as often. If so, rarely about your end of relationship. You go out with your friends, party, socialize, and meet new people. You conclude that there is someone out there in this big old hunk of rock. That deserves every inch of who you are. They are good, kind, funny...whatever quality that attracts you. They got those eyes that are full of life and ready to take on challenges. They thrive for adventure and are confident in who they are. They deal with shit head on. They make you feel like top of the world. But call you on all your shit and issues. Whom are open, honest, and treat you well.

Your friends get you when maybe other people don't. Even if other people know you. Your bestest friends have been there all along. They understand what you are going through. We've all been through realtionships. They offer advice, help be your wing man or lady, and cheer you up when that damn song is on the radio on constant repeat. You learn to love that song. I did.

Acceptance. It takes people longer then others. And that's ok. I feel like this greiving era is a cycle. It's like life. You live, you die, and you spirtitually live again. I'm going to leave it at that. And avoid talking about religion or anything else because I just dont have time for that. Ha Ha Ha. Maybe one day.

I also, clearly have been thinking about this a lot. But, there really is no way to have the right relationship. There...is the wrong way. And that's common sense. However, when it comes to doing or being in the right relationship. Well, there's tons of books, opinions, advice, movies, experts ect. that teach us, generally, how to accomplish the right relationship or in my case "Keep The Guy" ( a book that has come out recently, forget the author and probably will end up reading it). And hey, write all the self help/ relationship/ how to books you want. Furthermore, at the end of the day it's hasn't even gotten down to a science. There is just no way to know how to be or what a right realtionship/bf/gf/ whatever/ is.

There are somethings in life that are uncertain. It's up to you to figure it out. To live it the best you can. To be young, wild, and free. To grow old, wise, and truly lived. And to love with all that you got, no matter the circumstances or outcomes. You will get hurt. You will learn. You will move on. Another cycle.

And I think the saying, "Everything will be ok." Is total bullshit. Don't tell people what they already know.

In that moment. They feel like shit and want sympathy. Just say it like it is..."You're beautiful/great/amazing/.... I know how you feel. Lets get another drink to celebrate your singleness."

CHEERS to the weekend.
Please don't drink and drive.
Excuse me while I blast, "Picture to burn" by Taylor Swift.

stay beauts,
shan xoxo.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

endings become new beginnings

Honestly,

Things end.

And it's ok.

To begin, I first want to disclose that in order for me to even begin talking/ writing about this I had to take a break from everything. A clear head and clear persepective become meaningful writing.

A two month relationship is still a relationship no matter how new it is. So needless to say it ended. I ended it. We were dating, it was exciting, new, fun, fresh, and I felt like I was finally in the right type of relationship. One with trust, honesty, and communication. However, knowing myself, and how I easily fall for guys. I could not hide this from him. He just...knew. The weakeness of wearing your enormous heart on your selve is that you become vulnerable. All your emotions are exposed like you are a bird being observed in the wild. Like....an....eagle. Or something cool. I knew that if I controlled how I felt, one day I would just blurt it out. I knew it was way to early to confess those feelings and I did not want to scare him. Clearly, I did.

One would think that the one scared of such feelings would break it off. And I was scared he would leave me. Why am I always scared of guys leaving me...

I guess it is a transitional fear from my mom. She was previously married before my dad and her first husband cheated on her. So I get why she would be in fear of my dad leaving her. But why me. Why do I always feel that way. And I really had to think about this. I realize everyone feels this in one way or the other. When you love someone you want them to just be with you and be happy. The last thing you want is for him or her to break up with you and leave you to pick up all the broken pieces. So maybe I am right in feeling the way I did. All I know is this, when you have something great, you do not want to let it go. Only until you absolutley must.

All relationships hit roadbumps, no relationship, boyfriend, girlfrien, fuck buddy, friend with benifts etc. is perfect. YOU will fight. YOU will have conflict. YOU will sleep with her and she WILL get attached. It is just science. It is how girls deal with that experience. I am not trying to be sexist here but this is a fact. Girls deal with that experience differently then boys. Its ok. I get it. I understand. If I am wrong, then I am wrong, maybe it is just me. From my experience once you experience that level of intmacy your relationship changes and thus a new connection forms. You canèt go back before you had sex it is unchangeable. And then to possibly have high expectations or think what about me. Well. I try not to. I tried not to have those feelings, wants, or expectations. Love. My love that I offer is a forever love. And not for all my relationships but generally unconditionally. I go all in, put everything into it, and I try to dial it back. Sometimes that works, depends on the type of relationship, commitment, etc. If we are talking about a boyfriend then I consider that serious, so why half ass it...I just dont or cant. My heart always wants more and wont settle for anything less. Believe me I dont ever want to rush things. It just happens. And with most things you got to learn to try not to have high expectations. I really try to expect the unexpected. People just disapoint you. They make mistakes. And that is something I have learned to accept. I do the same. With life you gotta live in the moment. Roll with the punches. Have a good outlook on life. And not sweat the little stuff.

So ok, I admitt I had long term plans for this new relationship I was in. Is that a crimeÉ ( damn you key board supposed to be a question mark). I do not think it is. I admitt not the greatest thing to do. I cant help but be curious about the future. But one would think that if this was a problem minus hurt feelings they would tell the other. Relationships are like dance partners. One is generally the leader and the other goes with the flow. If there is balance then they are comfortable in doing both roles.If there is a problem they stop, talk about it, and change something. It is called team work. If one is doing all the comunicating the other is just like, what dafuq! If one wants something else then the other it is like a big mess of stepping on toes, getting annoyed, angry, stressed, and then one or both gives up.

Avoiding conflict is probably the worst. I get it one does not want to hurt the other or break the others heart. Fuck its human to feel that way or not want that. I have learned that trying to control the invietable is like trying to tell the weather with my boobs. Ya I went there with a Mean Girls reference. Ha ha ha. Like Ontario spring this year. One day its humid out and the other its snowing. As much as meterologists try to be on point about it, shit happens.

And to top it all off it was not easy breaking up with someone. It never is. My mom would say that it is easier to be dumped then to do the dumping. And I could not agree more with her. If someone avoids you or does not talk to you for a week. Mind you the week before he goes to Prauge. Does not come to visit you after you had nine teeth implant surgery, and instead gets intoxicated until 7 am in the morning the day he plans on visiting you. Then what makes one think that things like that wont happen again. If yes, worse down the line. Why put up with that. Why put yourself through that. We both know now more then ever that you deserve better then that. Deserve better then him. Why continue loving someone who doesnt want to love or is too scared to let you in. Why make excuses for that behaviour. You sit back, you debate with yourself if this is worth it. Worth the pain that you feel. Worth how he makes you feel. Worth this kind of love. And at the end of the day all you can tell yourself is that you tried. You gave someone the chance to explore, learn, and like you for you. I believe he did try, he did like me for all that I am. And thank you for that, even though I know you will probably never read this. I believe he is as great as all of our friends say. If you knew that you could not emotionally or mentally handle a relationship like the one I thought he wanted. Theres a time and place to sit one down and have that conversation. Its a coward move to wait...wait...wait some more until the other gives up. I will let go. I will move on. I will be single. And I know that everything eventually will be ok. But it wasnt ok. It hasnt been ok. I am not ok. However, I will be ok one day. Maybe one day we will be friends. I just cant dwell on the past. Ive done that for too long with other things and I wont let this hold me back. You live and you learn right. Right.  

So where do I go from here. Who knows. I got a summer full of concerts to see, A 5K run, a pool, an earth to explore, and there is no telling...litterally no telling what will happen. Again. Controlling the invietable is just plain impossible.

In light of everything I applied for a new job position at my work. It is a four month contract but it will be full time. I can not contain my excitement for this. Save save save ! But obviously as I say this I just bought tickets for a concert this friday! The classified! Opps. te he he.

Until the next honest thing pops into my head...
Take care !
Get off yo ass and do something!